


Once Upon a Time: The Beautiful Young Woman

by tklivory



Series: Fractured Thedas Tales [3]
Category: Dragon Age
Genre: F/M, Fractured Fairy Tale, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-09
Updated: 2011-12-09
Packaged: 2017-10-27 02:47:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/290818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tklivory/pseuds/tklivory
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On his fifth birthday, the Old God Baby asks where he comes from. Morrigan delegates the task of explanation to someone else… a moment of incredibly bad judgment on her part.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Once Upon a Time: The Beautiful Young Woman

_Once upon a time,_ there was a beautiful young girl who was raised by a mean, nasty old witch in the middle of freakin' nowhe—er, the Korcari Wilds. Although she was not mistreated, the beautiful young girl—hold on a minute, wait, weren't you used as bait for Templars? And your first treasure was broken to pieces in front of you? And you had to watch your mother do squicky things with random men while she killed—

Oh, you turned out stronger for it? Okaaaay, but let's just skip ahead, shall we?

So the beautiful young girl turned into a beautiful young woman, with sultry golden eyes and the ability to shoot a web to a distance of twenty feet… Did I get that right? _Shoot a web?_ Oh, you can become a spider? Huh. Cool. And a bear? Really. _And_ a swarm of insects?

How come I get the feeling I wouldn't like you when you're angry?

So one day the mean, nasty old witch kicked the beautiful young woman to the cur—I mean, requested that she leave her home and join a stalwart hero and his foolish companion so that they could save Thedas from the horrors of the Blight. What, that wasn't why she sent you? Then why-? All right, put the staff down, forget I asked!

Right. So the beautiful young woman joined the stalwart hero in his journey across the land. And despite the bumblings of the foolish companion and the other idiots that got picked up along the way like a litter of lost puppies – well, except for the Mabari, who actually _was_ a lost puppy, and was _still_ smarter than the foolish companion – the group did a pretty good job in stomping around Fereldan and slapping some sense into the recalcitrant doodyheads who for some reason had to be reminded that a Blight is generally a bad thing.

Yes, foolishness, I know.

At some point during the wandering, the beautiful young woman noticed that the stalwart hero was the least foolish of her new allies, and decided that she might as well give him instruction in the ancient art of making the beast with two backs. It turns out that the stalwart hero must have had some shapechanging ability of his own, because he was extremely _good_ at making the beast with two backs. In fact, he enjoyed the experience so much that practically every night was spent in your mother's tent practicing the beast with two backs so that he could make absolutely sure that his form was perfect and without any flaw whatsoever. It was a really good thing that he had a tremendous amount of stamina, because making the beast with two backs really took a lot of staying power, especially when your mother—

Hey, hey, hey, watch it with the lightning! You almost hit me!

Anyway, it was around this time that the beautiful young woman discovered that the mean, nasty old witch actually had very not-nice plans regarding the beautiful young woman. It turns out that the mean, nasty old witch was very jealous of the luminous allure of the beautiful young woman, and was plotting to take away everything from the beautiful young woman out of spite. When the stalwart hero discovered the mean, nasty old witch's plans, he bravely set forth with his litter of lost puppi—um, foolish compan— I mean, brave buddies and vowed that he would make sure that the mean, nasty old witch would never more be able to take anything from your mother ever again.

It turned into a not-nice fight when the mean, nasty old witch turned into a huge, fire-breathing dragon and—

What's that, child? Yes, a dragon. Yes, just like Grandma. No, I don't know when she will visit us next. She mentioned something about going to Kirkwall, remember? No, I don't know why. Do you want me to tell you about your mother or not?

So the stalwart hero and his brave buddies defeated the monstrous dragon, and thus the mean, nasty old witch could no longer take anything away from the beautiful young woman. In gratitude, the beautiful young woman placed a chaste kiss upon the lips of her stalwart hero and gifted him with a ring of—

Yes, it was a magic ring. *Sigh* No, it didn't make the stalwart hero invisible if he put it on. (Kids these days, I tell ya…)

 _At any rate,_ the time finally came that all the doodyheads managed to summon the competence required to gather their forces and get them marching in the right direction. It was then that the stalwart hero discovered that to end the Blight, some very not-nice terminal things would have to happen to him. As he pondered this problem, your mother approached him and let him know that all the practice with making the beast with two backs would actually help protect him from the very not-nice terminal things, especially if they did it one last time in a very special way. Gratefully, the stalwart hero agreed to make the beast with two backs one more time with your mother, since he didn't really want to find out the exact details of the very not-nice terminal things he had been warned about, and, even though the foolish companion was foolish, he liked the poor guy and didn't want the very not-nice terminal things to happen to him, either.

It was during this final session of the making of the beast with two backs that your mother decided that she wanted a lovely reminder of the stalwart hero, since he had the ring she had given to him. So she asked him to give her a small part of himself – well, okay, admittedly not a _small_ part, but that's a story for when you're older - to help make you. The stalwart hero, flattered, agreed, and thus you came into being.

Well, of course you were a lot smaller then. But you're bigger today than you were on your last birthday, right? So you've just grown a lot since then, that's all.

What? How did the stalwart hero give himself to your mother? Ummm…

Tell you what, let's save that for your next birthday.

 

The End


End file.
